bangalored!!!

PROLOGUE

[a house of dreams untold, it looks out over the whispering treetops, and faces the setting sun - edward alexander macdowell]

we were driving back from the long trip. me and dot in the maruti zen. the trip had left us exhausted, physically and mentally. 1000 miles in 2 days was no joke! we had exhausted all topics of conversation. the last 2 hours spent in messaging all the mavericks cryptic messages like “we are far away from bangalore, don’t know when we will be back” it drove most of them up the wall. especially div, vidi and mush.

“how many miles more?” i asked dot.
“we are somewhere outside hosur, should be in bangalore within an hour”
“put on the radio”

he switched on the radio and all i heard was the same static. he was going to turn it off when something made me say, “don’t. let it run” the hour slowly passed, i was slowly drifting off to another nap when suddenly the radio sprang to life.
“radio city….what’s up bangalore!” and the sweet melody of ar’s “e ajnabi” wafted through the kenwood speakers. suddenly our spirits were lifted. the exhaustion gave way to anticipation which turned to elation as we saw a milestone that read: “bangalore 0” we were back. back to the good old city, which i loved.

CHAPTER ONE – EXODUS

[ along a way he knows not, having crossed, a place of drear extent, before him sees, a river rushing swiftly toward the deep, and all its tossing current white with foam, and stops and turns, and measures back his way - the iliad (bk. v, l. 749)]

i still remember the day i set foot in the city. it was november 30th, 2002. rags, nub and me had almost nothing to do back home after the cat exams. we had exhausted all possible means of recreation and entertainment our place could offer us. i don’t remember who came up with the idea but there we were. cold or freezing cold, smoking furiously on gold flake kings and savoring the sights and sounds of early morning bangalore. we had been to bangalore lot of times before but this time it was different. we had freedom to do what we wanted, freedom to go pub hopping and drink to death. earlier visits were marred by chaperoning uncles or cousins. who were cool but you can’t really get stone drunk and start head banging in styx with your cousin, at least with some one who is 8 years elder to you.

our initial plan was to stay here and enjoy the freedom of being in a strange exciting place for a month, enjoy the pleasures and passions that a big city provides and go back after a month or two, in time for our cat results. our families reluctantly agreed to the idea because they had seen us slogging our backsides off for 8 months in the name of cat. but the plan was not to be, as we later found out.

what transpired was that we never went back. at least not when we planned to go back. the heady mixture of freedom, hedonism, urban-life and profligacy intoxicated us and we decided to stay. i got a job in itc infotech, nub in citibank and rags, the lazy bum he is, chose to remain unemployed and later went back after a month.

the new plan was to stay in bangalore till the mba classes start. nub and rags had decided to do their masters in international business fro psg and i still had my eyes set on mica. this gave us 4 more months of enjoyment. later those two joined for their masters and me…me? well, i am still here.

[to be continued...]

leaf's departure is because of wind's pursuit or because the tree did not ask her to stay

[ what is love? it's when you shed tears and still you care for them, it's when they ignore you and still you long for them. it's when they begin to love another and yet you smile and say, "i'm happy for you." if love fails, set yourself free, let your heart spread its wings and fly again. remember you may find love and lose it, but when love dies, you never have to die with it ]

tree

people call me "tree".

i had dated so many girls in college. there is one girl who i love a lot but never dared to go after. she didn't have a pretty face, good figure or an outstanding charm. she was just a very ordinary girl. i liked her. i really liked her. i liked her innocence, her frankness, her intelligence and her fragility. reason for not going after her was that i felt somebody so ordinary like her was not a good match for me. i was also afraid that after we were together all the feelings would vanish. i was also afraid other's gossip would hurt her. i was also afraid to lose what we had. we had something precious, friendship beyond boundaries. also, stupid as i was, i thought that if our destinies were intertwined, she would be mine without any sacrifices. she was with me for 3 years. she was my soulmate for 3 years. she watched me chase other girls, and i have made her heart cry for 3 years.she was a good actor, and me a demanding director. she once bumped into us when me and my second girlfriend were making out. she was embarrassed but smiled & said, "go on!" before running off. the next day, her eyes were swollen like a walnut. i did not want to know what caused her to cry. later that day, i saw her sitting in a classroom and crying her heart out. i wanted to go there and hold her tight, but i did not, i could not. my fourth girlfriend did not like her. i could see that the feeling was mutual. they had a blazing row once and i knew that it was not her fault. she was never a person who would pick up a fight. still, i shouted at her, ignored her feelings and walked off with my girlfriend. the next day, she was laughing and joking with me like nothing happened. i know she was hurt but she did not know deep down inside i was hurt too. hurt because i hurt her. does not make sense, does it?when i broke up with my fifth girlfriend, i asked her out. later that day, i told her i had something to tell her. i told her about my break up and about my feelings for her. coincidentally, she has something to tell me too, about her getting together. i knew who the person was. his pursuit for her had been the talk of the college. i did not show her my heartache, just smiles & best wishes. once i reached home, i could not breathe. tears rolled and i, the man made of ice, broke down. how many times have i seen her cry for the man who did not acknowledge her presence? how many times have i made her heart ache with the agonies of hell? now i knew how it felt. now i knew how it was when each cell in your body yearns for something and you don’t get it. i had no right on what was mine.

leaf

people call me leaf.

i was close with a guy during three years of my college. i was thinking it to be a purely platonic relationship. however, when he had his first girlfriend, i learnt a feeling i never should have learnt – jealousy. jealousy to the extreme. they were only together for 2 months. when they broke up, i was happy. happy so much that words could not begin to describe it.

but after a month, he got together with another girl.i liked him and i knew he liked me. but why doesn’t he say anything? we talk for hours together. know each other inside out. why doesn't he make the first move? whenever he had a new girlfriend, my heart would break. i would experience realms of pain which i thought was never possible. after a while, i began to suspect that this was one-sided love. he did not feel the same way for me the way i felt for him. but my mind couldn’t accept it. it searched for reasons. if he didn't like me, why did he treat me so well? it's beyond what you will normally do for a friend. i know his likes, his habits. but his feelings towards me i can never figure out. you can't expect me a girl, to ask him. despite everything, i wanted to be with him. share his sorrows, enjoy his passions, watch the wind ruffle through his hair; see the twinkle in his eyes when he was pleased. i loved the way he made me laugh, made me cry, made me think, and made me helpless in his love.

at the end final year, another guy, from different department asked me out. everyday he talked to me. he wanted to be with me. he was like a cool and gentle wind, trying to blow off a leaf from a tree. in the end, i realized that i wanted to give this wind a small footing in my heart. i know the wind will bring the leaf to a better land. finally, leaf left the tree, but the tree only smiled and didn't ask me to stay.

wind

i liked a girl called leaf. i hated the fact that she was dependent on a tree. too much dependent. i wanted to be a gentle gust of wind that would carry her off away from the cruel tree. caress her, hold her and gently put her in a safe ground.

when i first met her, it was 1 month after i joined college. i saw a petite person watching a group of guys playing cricket. during breaks, she will always be sitting there. sometimes alone, sometimes with her friends, always looking at him. when he talks with girls, there's jealousy in her eyes. when he talks to her and hugs her i can see her come alive with passion and energy. i hated him for the power he had on her. hate? no, jealousy would be a better word. i also wanted her to be free of the chains of love which she had bound her self in.

i used to sit there too. daily, watching her from the distance. watching the golden slanting rays of the sun caressing her before they disappeared. they were like me. wanting to hold her but unable to do so.

one day, she didn't appear. i felt something amiss. i can't explain the feeling except it's a kind of uneasiness. the senior was also not there as well. i went to their classroom, hid outside and saw him arguing with her. tears were in her eyes while he left. the next day, i saw her at her usual place, looking at him. i walked over and smiled to her and gave her a note. she was surprised. she looked at me, smiled and accepted the note. the next day, when she came to the stadium, she approached me and passed me a note before she assumed her usual place. it read, "leaf's heart is too heavy and wind couldn't blow her away."

"it's not that leaf heart is too heavy. it because leaf never wants to leave tree." i replied with this statement and slowly she started talking to me. she started accepting my presence and my phone calls. i knew that she did not love me. she loved someone else. but i had this hope that someday she would be mine. within four months of knowing her i had declared my ove for her no less than 20 times. every time, she would gently move away from the topic. i promised myself that i would never give up.

one day, i asked her the same question over the phone. she did not avoid the topic but strangely i was met with silence “what happened?” i asked her “why aren’t you saying anything?” she said, "i'm nodding my head". “what?” i couldn’t believe my ears. "i'm nodding my head" she replied loudly. i hung up the phone, changed and rode my bike like a madman and reached her place.i rang the bell and she opened the door. words were not necessary. i hugged her tightly…for ever….

[this is purely a work of fiction and not in anyway connected to me. any resemblance to people or incidents is purely coincidental.any attempt to pass this off as incidents from my life will be construed as an act of aggression and severely dealt with. it is taken from a haiku couplet which i have used as the title]

hell hath no fury and heaven hath no rage…..

THE author was talking about the woman scorned in the aforesaid lines. I mean it the same way too. Only that, here, the woman is Mother Nature. The often violated and abused, venerable Mother Earth. As we go hurtling down the cliffs off progress we seem to be realizing the words of Agent Smith in “The Matrix”

“…but you humans do not. You move to an area and you multiply and multiply until every natural resource is consumed and the only way you can survive is to spread to another area. There is another organism on this planet that follows the same pattern. Do you know what it is? A Virus…..”

Heart goes out to the countless lives lost. What makes it more tragic is that the fraction of children among the casualties seems to be more. I always feel at a loss for words when I try to, you know, say something meaningful and apt. I am failing at that here too. I think its better that I leave it here….Hoping that their souls are in peace…Hoping that we the survivors realise before its too late to respect nature.

What is heartwarming is the spirit of humanity that has been awakened in people all around the globe. The spirit that fills us with hope. Hope for a better tomorrow. Words are not enough to describe the courage of the countless Men and Women battling against Red-Tape, Nature, Transportation hurdles, Sickness et al and working day and night to bring a little relief to the stricken souls. All is not lost when hope springs eternal.

In finale I would like here to quote a particularly apt passage of Milton's Paradise Lost:

Like a dark Ceeling stood; down rush'd the Rain

Impetuous, and continu'd till the Earth

No more was seen; the floating Vessel swum

Uplifted; and secure with beaked prow

Rode tilting o're the Waves, all dwellings else

Flood overwhelmd, and them with all thir pomp

Deep under water rould; Sea cover'd Sea,

Sea without shore; and in thir Palaces

Where luxurie late reign'd, Sea-monsters whelp'd

And stabl'd; of Mankind, so numerous late,

All left, in one small bottom swum imbark't.

How didst thou grieve then, Adam, to behold

The end of all thy Ofspring, end so sad,

Depopulation; thee another Floud,

Of tears and sorrow a Floud thee also drown'd,

And sunk thee as thy Sons

little bit of you

Can I have a little bit of you?
A little bit of you in my life.
Promise you I won’t ask for more
Only just a little bit of you…

All I want is the smell of your hair,
And maybe the space behind your ear
Is that too much to ask?
Coz without them this life I cannot bear…

Sometimes things seem so simple,
When it’s just you and me
And then the complications appear coz’,
In this world what we have is hard to believe

The world that slots and labels everything
Where there are always matching pegs and holes
The world that doesn’t understand emotions
No wonder is unable to fathom what we own

I believed always it was you and me
Weathering this storm together
So when did these doubts start creeping in?
Doubts that moved us apart further?

Doubts that are creeping into my heart now
Wondering what you really wanted
Was I blinded by my emotions?
Blinded not to see what you seeked...

I know not what lies beneath this,
Beneath the deep calm sea so blue
But I hope you realize, darling
That all I ever wanted was just a little bit of you…

dot in love

[All our young lives we search for someone to love. We choose partners, change partners... all the while wondering if there's someone, somewhere, searching for us - Bertrand Russel]

I promised you that I would be writing about this. Do didn’t seem to mind too, but now I am having second thoughts about it as the situation is still precarious. The clear day that was supposed to come never did. But it would be unappreciative not to say that things are better. Still its been 3 months and I guess it would be okay to write about it.

Am I not making sense? Well, I suppose not. For this to make sense I have to go a long way back. The days when Dot used to be preoccupied. Not to mention that he was losing wait like a bucket with a large hole at the bottom. After one of the Coffee Day meets when he seemed to be tensed more than the usual amount and when Mush also asked me what was wrong with him I confronted him. I mean, a guy whom you know to be a certified workaholic and hates to get up to pee for 2 minutes takes leave for 3-4 days you gotta assume something’s wrong. The gang was slowly walking down from the Bombay Store to Church Street and I managed to get him in private.

I asked him, “So, Whats up?” Needless to say I am not much of conversationalist when it comes to prying. Dot said, “Nothing”. “You sure?”, I asked, “You seem upset these days, Dude. You are losing weight and can’t see you in office like it used to be”. He said, “I am fine”. That “I am fine” would have convinced me if he hadn’t sounded like he wanted to put hands through his throat and rip his heart off. I had a hunch, a pretty good one as hunches go and decided to play it, “Is it her?”. He asked, “Who?” When I said the name he blurted “ What?? Noooo Way Dude!! I have some family problems, that’s all!!”

It would have ended there, if he had not called me to the rooftop cafeteria at work. But that’s the second part…Right??