existential angst

WHAT is it? Something that epitomizes the agony of the non-elante life. The torment of day-to-day existence which is like an endless vista spread across the horizon as far as you can see. A life less extraordinary, a life that’s become normal or (shudder) boring. I know this sounds forlorn, for people who are accustomed to see me as a buoyant person, for people who read my blogs to ease the tension of their life (Yeah, that’s just you Bidisha and sorry couldn’t upload the image today too as the tool I use is down)

When I think about it, it seems more like powerlessness than angst. Powerless to change things, Powerless to accept the change in me, Powerless to stop changes. I know I have changed, somewhere inside. I, who believed in control, am losing it like the proverbial rolling stone. Complications that are not needed are arising from the depths of psyche, like monsters of hell.

Why is it that I wish I was someplace else? Why is it that I wish I was I in a different set of time and space continums where things that I want changed are not there and everything I cherish is there. Wish things were different, people were different, and choices to make were different. Put me in a black and white world where there are no excruciatingly maddening shades of grey. Where things are simple, where I can make the decisions I want to make without the infuriating circumstances…..

Till then I am here, in a world painted by a schizophrenic on a canvas of psychosis, waiting for a clearer sky, waiting for a sign……or just plain waiting.