why doesn't anyone want the cup?

[ that’s the trouble with you sad-city types: a place has to be miserable and dull as ditchwater before you believe it’s real - salman rushdie (as blabbermouth, in haroun and the sea of stories) ]


i see it sitting at the corner of my desk, on an empty document tray. The white china mug that I got from Whizz when I developed the pics I took while on the 5 day drive (Now that’s another story, isn’t it?) I don’t know why it’s bothering me. Is it that my mind cannot accept the pointless existence of the empty cup?

i remember Josh grabbing it from me the moment I took it out. I had bought the picture books in my backpack and while taking them out, I inadvertently took the cup out and he pounced on it, “Hey, I want this!” I could not think of doing anything with it so I let him have it. He used to use it as a penholder in his desk, diligently locking it up with its contents inside, in his locker. Then the day he was packing all his stuff he said, “Hey, can’t think of doing anything with it. You can have it back” Then I realized that probably he had just borrowed it, to give it back later. I said “Fine, I’ll take it probably use it as a penholder”. However, I never took it. There it would have ended and I would have never seen this porcelain thing but for Sai.

one fine day, about a week after Josh left, Sai came down from his new “dwelling”, which was now at the edge of the floor (he was banished there due to his non-interactivity with the team). He had the cup in his hands and said, “Duuude” Sai has a funny way of saying that word, elongating the “u” to a squeaky level, “Josh, asked me to give you this” .I said nothing and just took it. He was saying something about the resolved ratio but my mind was somewhere else, looking at a white shiny round cylinder. The Cup.

that is how it came to its current residing place. I usually do not trust anyone with my pens, having lost quite a few of good (and expensive) ones to friends and hence didn’t have any to keep in the mug. Many people expressed interest in it. Poo (That is Poornima, one of the Managers) once came and said, “That’s Nice, Where did you get it from?” I offered the cup to her and she said “Sure”. However, it transpired that the cup was to remain there; maybe she forgot about it. Even Girish said he wanted a penholder and I promptly offered it to him. As always, the offer was accepted and forgotten.

its still there, standing forlorn. Unbelievably, right now Arvind (Argan, one of the new STs) came over and asked me about it. I just said, “That’s a gift”. Yes, I guess that is what it is. What else do you call something that comes back to you however hard you try to shrug it off? Maybe, it is not empty. Not after passing through so many hands and minds.

(Hmm….Notes to self: 1. Try to use time productively rather than writing irrelevant crap!
2. Get rid of the cup! )

advantages of being single

[ i really want to love somebody. I do. I just don't know if it's possible forever and ever - jim carrey ]

well, before staring this let me give a disclaimer, this is no justification for the life I lead, this is no rant against the oh-so-happy couples (never seen one of those) and neither are these words of resentment. I am writing this, as always, to tell what I feel. Because I always don’t get time to talk to myself in any form and writing the views I have, however radical or obtuse they maybe relaxes me like I had a long chat with the me.

the debatable point is that once the relationship is over the gut-wrenching pain that follows is unimaginable. When someone leaves you, apart from missing them, apart from the fact that the whole little world you've created together collapses, and that everything you see or do reminds you of them, the worst is the thought that they tried you out and, in the end, the whole sum of parts adds up to you got stamped REJECT by the one you love. How can you not be left with the personal confidence of a passed-over Indian Railway sandwich?

that was debatable because you never disregard something because of the suffering at the end of it. Do we hate life because of the scepter of death that we know is looming at the end of it? Well, I believe it’s not just the suffering at the end. Its also the suffering that is present each and every moment in love. The jealousies, the partings, the responsibilities, the oh-so-silly commitments, oh-so-even-more-silly arguments. With due apologies to all the poets and philosophers, I have never seen love that has set us free or kept us alive. For me, love is something that transcends all emotions, which exceeds explanations and understanding the other person completely.

being single is easier I guess. With friends like the ones I have its fun too. Everyday I wake up, not thinking about what nuances of my partners whim and fancy I am going to hate today or what constricting obligation my girlfriend is going to slap on me. Instead, I am filled with a sense of freedom, freedom to think about myself, freedom to feel what I want to feel without feeling guilty, freedom walk and get wet in the rain, freedom of not looking at the watch all the time so that I don’t miss a second, freedom of not being enslaved to the mobile phone checking it every second for that elusive missed call or message and above all freedom to be myself with each soul I meet.

i think that’s one of the most obnoxious factors about a relationship. The way people pretend and shadow dance. Come on; is it so arduous to be yourself? Isn’t that why you fell in love, in first place. If not stop this shadow boxing. The mental agony and stress of pretending is going to get you after sometime and destroy any semblance of a relationship. Being a lone wolf, I count myself blessed because I can be myself. No pretending (like someone I know of) that you love cats because your girlfriend has 3 of them and when she is not around kick them hard just for the pleasure of it or fervently swearing that you hate beauty pageants because they commercialize feminity and be glued to FTV midnight everyday. By the way, both these guys are happily cat-kicking FTV-watching single and their ex’s have found other wimps.

don’t get me wrong, people. In the end, I am like all other guys. I obviously don’t plan to remain single for the rest of my life. I want someone too, but not so desperately that I’d settle with the next entry in who’s-who of Human Crap. I’ll wait for the right one, one with whom I can be unadulterated-untainted-dirty minded-crazy guy I am. I know it takes a lot of time to get someone like that, if they exist, in the first place. Till then I’ll enjoy with the wrong ones, my friends, dog and Smirnoff. Because in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.

The Night of November 7th, 1997

[ life may change, but it may fly not; Hope may vanish, but can die not; Truth be veiled, but still it burneth; Love repulsed, - but it returneth- percy bysshe shelley ]

growing up is never easy. You hold on to things that were. You wonder what's to come. But that night, I think we knew it was time to let go of what had been, and look ahead to what would be. Other days. New days. Days to come. The thing is, we didn't have to hate each other for getting older. We just had to forgive ourselves... for growing up. The fault was within us. Maybe we grew up faster since we found each other, found that elusive thing called love. Or did I think the fault was within us because that’s what the people around us made us believe? We were kids, but we were not fools.

we knew it was not puppy love, not a whim of adolescence, nor was it in anyway momentary. I would have been derided (as I was at that time) if I had voiced these thoughts then. When I look back now, the feelings, the discernment I felt then have remained unchanged. This is the first time I am putting these things to words or even voicing out to people. I know it’s confusing to the reader but that’s the way I feel, even now. How can something that has remained unchanged for 7 years labeled as flippant? Oh, how I wish I had talked to this “me”, who understands what happened then so clearly, at that time. How I wish I had someone who had the perception that went beyond the small-town Puritanism to explain it to me. Then that night would not have haunted me for all these years.

that night, when it all ended. When we decided that we will never think of each other, never meet, never talk…Just because the people around us where obscure in understanding. I don’t know if its just me who feels the same way. Has she forgotten all about the time when we were together? Sharing everything, where words where not necessary to convey thoughts. Maybe she has, then again, maybe she hasn’t.

the road not taken

[ two roads diverged in a wood, and I, I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference - robert frost ]

one of the greatest advantages of being a part of the human race is that you have a sense of consciousness. I mean, we do not live a hand to mouth existence; we don’t live for just the basic necessities of life. Our sole objective is not to worry the where the next meal is gonna come from or who is waiting for us to come by to be their next meal.

as we live, breathe and eat, we also think, dream and imagine. We think of our past, dream of tomorrow and imagine about the infinity. Infinity, I don’t mean the inverted 8 that we are so used to in our Math and Physics classes. It means the unknown, the could-haves, the endless existences which we live in a different time and space patterns. We constantly think of what our life would have been if we had chosen differently. Did I take the right decision? Where would we be if we had taken the right decision? Much like the protagonist in “The Road Not Taken” by Frost.

one thing we got to remember that in life there is no right or wrong decisions. At one point of time, when we are faced with choices we do think that one is the right one and the other(s) wrong. We think so because we look at the choices through a fabric of moral, social and psychological fabric woven into our perception due to our experience, education and upbringing. In life there are only choices, which are varying shades of gray. And like shades of gray, they alter their color in different lights. Also, decisions are such that once taken its tough to go back to. We have to accept what we did and move on. There is no going back in life. Only moving forward…On, on and on….

read the poem : "The Road Not Taken" - Robert Frost

drunken musings

[ beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy - benjamin franklin ]

my apologies if my blog starts to look like an alcoholic’s diary. Well, that’s all there is left to do in this city now. Who would have imagined that the crazy movie makers here would come up with an even crazier embargo on all non-kannada movies!! What next people? Convert Casa Piccolos and Jukeboxes into “Casa Sagars” or “Juke Darshans” and serve idlis and ragi muddes? Gimme a break! Anyway, I’m positive about this. Oppression of masses with crazy ideas didn’t start today or yesterday, it has been happening for ages and they were soon shown the door. Fingers crossed!

now where was I? Yeah, drunken binges!! Thursday was good. I would say half of Brigade Rd and Residency is missing because I drank it! My apologies to people who I called and talked to, after that. Its just that alcohol takes me to a level where I have more than the usual amount of love and friendship to share with people and I want to share it before I’m sober. Also, in case you are wondering if those were the words of a drunkard, hold it! I meant every word of it!!

ok, I sense some disapproval here. “Control your drinking” “Its bad for you” Yeah, yeah, let me tell you two things; First, I don’t drink too much. Period. Second, do you know that Alcohol actually makes you smarter? Don’t believe me? Read on….

well you see, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This is natural selection and is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of alcohol eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few drinks.

supreme sacrifice of drinking vodka

[ I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day - Frank Sinatra]

SOMETIMES when I reflect back on all the vodka I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about workers in the distillary in Russia and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this vodka, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink vodka and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

the picture of words

[ still can't the blasted Hello to work so that I can upload the pics. As they say, A song is worth a million pictures. Heres the picture I wanted to upload, in words of none other than Bob Dylan ]

Nobody feels any pain
Tonight as I stand inside the rain
Ev'rybody knows
That Baby's got new clothes
But lately I see her ribbons and her bows
Have fallen from her curls.
She takes just like a woman, yes, she does
She makes love just like a woman, yes, she does
And she aches just like a woman
But she breaks just like a little girl.

Queen Mary, she's my friend
Yes, I believe I'll go see her again
Nobody has to guess
That Baby can't be blessed
Till she sees finally that she's like all the rest
With her fog, her amphetamine and her pearls.
She takes just like a woman, yes, she does
She makes love just like a woman, yes, she does
And she aches just like a woman
But she breaks just like a little girl.

It was raining from the first
And I was dying there of thirst
So I came in here
And your long-time curse hurts
But what's worse
Is this pain in here
I can't stay in here
Ain't it clear that--

I just can't fit
Yes, I believe it's time for us to quit
When we meet again
Introduced as friends
Please don't let on that you knew me when
I was hungry and it was your world.
Ah, you fake just like a woman, yes, you do
You make love just like a woman, yes, you do
Then you ache just like a womanBut you break just like a little girl

existential angst

WHAT is it? Something that epitomizes the agony of the non-elante life. The torment of day-to-day existence which is like an endless vista spread across the horizon as far as you can see. A life less extraordinary, a life that’s become normal or (shudder) boring. I know this sounds forlorn, for people who are accustomed to see me as a buoyant person, for people who read my blogs to ease the tension of their life (Yeah, that’s just you Bidisha and sorry couldn’t upload the image today too as the tool I use is down)

When I think about it, it seems more like powerlessness than angst. Powerless to change things, Powerless to accept the change in me, Powerless to stop changes. I know I have changed, somewhere inside. I, who believed in control, am losing it like the proverbial rolling stone. Complications that are not needed are arising from the depths of psyche, like monsters of hell.

Why is it that I wish I was someplace else? Why is it that I wish I was I in a different set of time and space continums where things that I want changed are not there and everything I cherish is there. Wish things were different, people were different, and choices to make were different. Put me in a black and white world where there are no excruciatingly maddening shades of grey. Where things are simple, where I can make the decisions I want to make without the infuriating circumstances…..

Till then I am here, in a world painted by a schizophrenic on a canvas of psychosis, waiting for a clearer sky, waiting for a sign……or just plain waiting.

good bye, josh?

ican see you sitting across me in your cubicle typing your farewell letter to all. Which I hope you are not gonna send to me. Dude, will kick your nuts if you utter that word. Say bye to this place but not to me, not to Mavericks, not to this friendship we had. Who the hell will I make fun of about their overly technical outlook? Will miss you a lot, Josh, AT WORK! Otherwise, you gonna be there, just a call away. Good Luck Mate!

He is there at http://nirupesh.blogspot.com

only tech. leads can handle windows

[ any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic - clarke's third law ]

people often say to me: "Harish, as a Microsoft Tech Lead, you have a job That requires you to process large quantities of information on a timely basis. How do you manage?"

(I am kidding, what they really ask is," Why don't you get a real haircut?")

I tell them (as the answer to the first question, of course!), "Get Windows XP!"
It was invented by Bill Gates. He is now one of the wealthiest individuals on Earth - wealthier than Queen Elizabeth; and do you want to know why? Because he is the only person in the world who can understand Windows.

Every day he gets frantic phone calls like this:

BUSINESS EXECUTIVE: Our entire worldwide corporate accounting system is paralyzed, and no matter what we type into the computer, it replies, "WHO WANTS TO KNOW? (Signed) 'Windows'

BILL GATES: Ha-ha! I mean, sounds pretty serious.

BUSINESS EXECUTIVE: We'll give you $17 million to tell us how to fix it.

BILL GATES: OK. Press the "NUM LOCK" key.

BUSINESS EXECUTIVE: So THAT'S what that thing does! Thanks! The cheque is on the way!

I have spent countless hours trying to get my computer to perform even the most basic data-processing functions, such as letting me filter data in MS Excel so that the stats for the team appears in a month wise with agents performance in Pivot Table. I have personally, with my bare hands, changed my "normal.dot" and "CONFIG.SYS" settings. This may not mean much to you, but trust me; it is a major data-processing accomplishment. Albert Einstein died without ever doing it.

("WAIT a minute!" were his last words. "It erased my equation! It was "E' equals something!")

I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with MS Excel. There are hundreds of others. I know this, because I encounter them at work and in Messenger, they are called Tech Leads (or STs) which is a giant international network of intelligent, informed computer enthusiasts responsible for the overall technical health of Windows XP Techs, by which I mean, "PEOPLE WITHOUT LIVES"

While you are destroying your mind watching worthless brain-rotting drivel on TV, we at work (and in MSN) are exchanging, freely and openly, the most uninhibited, intimate and (yes) shocking details about our "setupapi.log" and "MSInfo32" and ripping "Winsock" apart. In War rooms, Flash meetings...et al

This debate has been raging, soap-opera-like, for months now, and I have become addicted to it. I tune in every day to see what the leading characters are saying. You probably think this is weird, but I don't care.

another day in paradise

Have you ever been caught in a time warp?? I was, yesterday, when I went back to my Schooll. The corridors, the rooms, the labs, the teachers....It was nostalgic.

I knew was that the school had left indelible mark on me but one thing I did not realize that I had lft some marks or scartches on the school. The place where we timed a cracker to burst during the 1 minute silence after prayer, The Music Room for our romancing, The Tennis Court where we used to hide and steal smokes.....

Guess this is what they call nostalgia, maybe??

this is our hangout place. The river Nila, the life source of Palghat. Our very own Thames (but the bridge looks like Queen Elizabeth than its London counterpart), Nile (No pyramids on the shore,though you may find some huts) and Ganges (A lottt cleaner!!!)